It seems that my life can be separated into periods of time where it is characterized by certain themes or ideas, especially in relation to God. For instance, at times the things I am learning in life may emphasize God as my Provider, as my Husband, as my Father. Right now I have been experiencing a recurring theme of having an increase in faith in God. I have always felt as though my faith was so small that there was nothing that could be done with it. This past year, though, God has provided for us and done more than I could have imagined. My faith has been strengthened and He has been challenging me to believe that my faith is honored by Him. That's hard to understand because I am in my own head, hearing my doubtful thoughts and my lack of belief that God can do more than I could ever hope. I have said this phrase more times than I could count: Lord, I believe; help my unbelief. That is the story of my life.
I do want to clarify that though I claim this faith as "my own," I fully acknowledge that it does not originate with me. Any and all faith that I have is a gift from God, as a result of his glorious grace and mercy towards me. I know my heart apart from Him and it's wickedly deceitful, not seeking after God, not desiring to know Him and believe in His name. Trust me, I lived as a slave to it for 15 years...not a pretty sight. So, "my faith" is actually the faith that God has bestowed upon me through His Spirit and it is not of me; it is heavenly, supernatural, and eternal. For that, I am grateful.
So lately I have had a few people in my life who are very dear to me undergo some very painful life experiences. So many times I have been in prayer for them just asking Jesus to give me something to say. I have been baffled as to what to do, say, or think. Nothing prepares you for dealing with those things for the first time, except of course dealing with them. And I have come to find that I am not prone to just sitting and watching from the sidelines in such situations. My heart and mind ache to take action, to fight for injustice, to stand up and speak the Truth, to swoop in and save the day. BUT, I have also learned that this is not always my role. I have been humbled to find that the greatest help I can provide is to say nothing to those hurting, to do nothing physically on their behalf, but rather go to Him in secret prayer. It hurts to feel helpless. I also know that this so-called helplessness is a lie from the enemy to keep me from praying. If he can convince me that praying is helpless, then I will be less likely to pray. It's a good thing God has been encouraging me otherwise.
He has challenged me lately to have faith on behalf of others. A few years ago I may not have been so open to this foreign idea. However, I read a book by Stormie Omartian called The Power of a Praying Wife, and in it she spoke of praying for her husband with a faith that he did not yet have in a situation. She had instances where God honored the faith she had as his wife and moved in that area of his life anyway.....:) I'm glad He does that. And if you press yourself to think about this concept in other contexts, it will begin to make sense. I know people were praying for me before Iknew the Lord. My best friend's family supported me, and no doubt prayed for me, to go on the Chrysalis weekend (a Christian retreat for teenagers) where I came to Jesus, and I finally saw that He had come to me long before that April of 2001. And I know of numerous people who prayed for my husband to come out of his addiction before he did. Now, he's been following the Lord faithfully and soberly for nearly 5 years. So, I know there are those, known and unknown, who have prayed for us when we didn't have faith, when we couldn't have faith because we were living apart from God.
So I am sharing this with you as a challenge.
Jesus said to His disciples after they could not cast out a demon and they inquired as to why, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." -Matthew 17:19-20
Do you know how small a mustard seed is? I do. I was given a necklace a few years back with a mustard seed inside of it. It looks like this:
(Here it is with respect to the size of my hand)
A mustard seed is quite tiny; however, Jesus said that if you have faith of even that size that you can move a mountain. Well, believe that the faith that you have is enough. Pray for it to be increased and for God to honor the faith you have. If you have someone in your life who is in what they believe to be a hopeless situation, pray and believe on their behalf. If you are a child of God, will He not listen to you as the loving Father that He is? Who do you know that has a mountain in their life that is preventing them from moving forward? If you have faith, even as a mustard seed, you can move mountains....they will obey and move.
So, I encourage you to continue to pray for those difficult situations, those prayers that seem impossible to you, but you know nothing is impossible for God. Lift them up in hope and in confidence of the One you serve, believe in, and live for. And if you aren't praying for those things, I exhort you to begin. You won't have to look far into your life, or the lives around you, to find deep hurt and hopelessness. Be the hope that Jesus is in your life to them. Show them where hope lies, which is not in circumstances, but in He who is sovereign over all circumstances. Grab your mustard seeds and start moving those mountains!
Well, I know it's been well over a week since I last posted, and I wanted it to be more frequently. However, I want to point to the fact that my past record reveals an in-between-posts time of months and months. So, if we go by improvement, I am definitely making strides.
I don't have anything earth-shatteringly brilliant and insightful to share with you today. In fact, I may never have anything like that to share with you. But, I do have a testimony of provisionary love that my Father has showered on my life. I know last time that I mentioned I had been going through some challenges in life that were stretching me, growing me, pushing me to a deeper dependence on my God. And I am hesitant to get specific about exactly what those struggles have been because life is not about our struggles, but about the loving Savior who pulls us out of them, walks through them with us, and teaches us to delight and have joy in our struggles because of what He does through them. So, without getting too specific, I want to share with you a simple story of my amazing God who has provided for us in ways unimaginable. To Him be the glory!
It's not a big secret that if you work in minstry that you aren't getting rich. My husband, Eric, works in ministry, and it is a ministry that God has used mightily in his life and in our life together for provision. He has a great job that is stable, he loves his work, he loves his co-workers, he loves the men he serves and the God who has allowed him to serve for a living. We are so grateful for his work and ministry. It is a great and wonderful delight of our household. However, his ministry is funded through donations and they have a lot of expenses. In times like these, that trickles down to the employees who are serving heartily to the Lord and thankful for the wages they receive. Let us remember that anything other than death is a blessing because that is what we deserve apart from Jesus. But life costs money and money we do not have a lot of because I am going back to school to become an elementary special education teacher. Long story short there: I discovered a heart within me that loves working with children with disabilities. It can be a dark place and God has asked me to be a light there for Him. I am honored to serve Him there. But again, I am in school full-time and have been unable to work.
So, we are moving to Indy for Eric's job and my schooling, which means we have rent and utilities to pay for the first time since we've been married. That's something He has blessed us with these first two years of marriage: no rent or utilities. However, because of my health and other expenses (paying for a semester's tuition out of pocket, which He bountifully provided), we haven't been able to save a lot of money.
Apparently, though, that doesn't matter with Him. In planning for our move, we have been scratching our heads and, shamefully, shaking them "no" in doubt as to how we could afford to move. We were saying, "We believe, but help our unbelief!" And that He has. This past week Eric was able to use paid vacation days from work to paint a friend's house in order to earn extra money. Provision! I have a babysitting job coming up for a little extra money. Provision! A friend has offered for me to do some work for her on the side that she doesn't have time to do. Provision! We sold our dog's kennel that we never use and won't need in Indy. Provision! I have job possibilities opening up to me for this summer in Indy, a town where I do not currently live and have not had time to even look. Provision!
I don't care if I sound like a broken record because I'd rather be a broken record of praise for my God than a silent child who causes the rocks to cry out. People of God, He is good! People who do not know Him, He is good! And I'm not saying that God has made me healthy, and wealthy, and prosperous. I am saying that we had a need that couldn't be filled by what we could physically see (our bank account, Eric's job, our bills), but He said "Trust me to provide," and He did! He has never given us a reason to doubt His provisionary love for us. So, if you are facing doubt of His provision: how can I pay this?, where is that money going to come from?, etc, etc, etc, I am here to remind you of His faithfulness to His children. If you are looking for specific Scriptures for encouragement on the matter, then you can refer back to my previous blog entry or even send me a message. But please know that He makes a way for His obedient children. We have learned to trust Him more than ever before. Put yourself in His hands and rest in His provisionary love for you, His child.
I pray you don't have the doubts mentioned in a song by Derek Webb:
"I thought the cattle on a thousand hills was not enough to pay my bills."
The cattle are His, all is His, and He will never leave you nor forsake you.
All glory and praise to Jehovah Jirah, my Provider.
Today, I complained to a classmate that I didn't want to be an adult anymore. I want to just revert back to a much relaxed, easy-going, no-weight-on-her-shoulders version of myself. But that's just immaturity talking because either Jim or Elisabeth Elliot once said that avoiding responsibility was a mark of immaturity...ouch, so true. So while I know that I can't become a 16-year-old version of myself again, and when I actually put some thought into it, I don't really want to, I do want some weight lifted. Lately, I have been blessed, and I say that a bit begrudgingly because I am still a work in progress on the matter, to experience hardship. Just when it seems as though I will bust at the seams, He throws something else onto my pile and reminds me of 1 Cor 10:13--No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God [is] faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear [it]. So it seems that I won't bust, even though my feelings are screaming otherwise. Thus, I choose to ignore my feelings this time because they are out of touch with the reality of God's Word. It truly is amazing to see how much God knows I can handle. I had no idea! So back to the point I wanted to share with you today....
I have been under some various hardships, but I know they pale in comparison to others around me so we (He and I) are working on my complaining...because I do it a lot (refer to opening sentence). Either way, I am experiencing this heaviness in my life and in my heart and it is so intense to me that it is saddening and I want the easy way out, to just experience some relief. And then, He does it. He says the one thing that I need to hear and something profound begins to make sense in my life in a way it never has before. He reminded me that I am His child. Okay, Dad, check. I got it. And then He asked me, "Do you remember what it was like when you were a child? Do you ever remember worrying about your life? How will you pay this or that, how will you every find the time for such and such, how, how, how?" No, I never lived like that as a child. It never crossed my mind to check the bank account and ask my parents if we had enough money for the bills. They took care of it. And while I was a child who was concerned with homework and the like, I didn't worry the way I do now. (Side note: I acknowledge worry as a sin, and I confess it and choose to turn away, but I come back to the worry pile easily and frequently. I think God was showing me a way of mentally repenting from worry). And then He made the connection for me...You are MY child and you DO NOT WORRY about how I will take care of you. Have the faith of a child whose Father cares and loves for her the way He should. Trust that I will provide and leave it all in My hands.
Okay, that may not seem profound to you, but it was to me. God showed me a very practical way to live as a child of faith, a child who lives her life not worrying about her life because it is the hands of perfect love. And He spoke it to me so wonderfully and gently in my time of fragility. It meant so much and I hope He can touch your heart with it as well.
Also, I would like this to serve as my public declaration of my repentance from worry and complaining. It won't be easy, but anything worth having never is. So, please, hold me accountable, pray for my battle against this fallen flesh I live in that desires to lift up self and live a life of comfort and ease that looks like the world around it. That's not my calling as a child of God.
Other Scriptures He has encouraged me with:
No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, [will He] not much more [clothe] you, O you of little faith?Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. herefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day [is] its own trouble. ---Matthew 6:24-34
[Let your] conduct [be] without covetousness; [be] content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." ---Hebrews 13:5I know I am on the Potter's wheel right now, being molded and shaped to look more like Him. I pray that I persevere, run the race with endurance, and most of all, glorify my King.
For His renown!
(Here it is with respect to the size of my hand)